Kyle|Steeno

Here is the finale to The Chronicles of Easter tale.

CONTINUED FROM: The Chickens, the Witch, and the Farmer

MEANWHILE…

a traveling salesman happened by the farm. Seeing the epic battle unfolding, he knew that there was only one way to restore peace and order back to the chicken farm, and that was to convince the witch to use some of his uber astounding queso removing remote control cleaner so that she could return to her lair of nearly wickedness to watch tv till the end of times. Farmer Bob on the other hand needed a buyer for his bizzare chickens and their eggs in time to rescue him from financial ruin right before Easter. The traveling salesmen just happend to be the brother in law of Colonel Sanders. He made a quick call on his cell phone to see if the Colonel would be willing to purchase the strange poultry.

He agreed, but under one condition, that all the little chickens would match the flavor of their color – pink ones were cotton candy, green ones were mint, blue were raspberry, and so on. He already had his marketing guy designing the bucket in an Easter theme, so it was just a matter of getting the flavor into the poultry. Thankfully, the farmer’s neighbor, Bathilda, had a whole vat of animal flavoring ready for use. The problem was however, that Bob was busy defending good from the Somewhat Wicked Witch. The salesman agreed to smuggling the chickens next door if Bob signed a piece of paper that had an awful lot of printing on it.

Unfortunately, since Bob had never passed the 3rd grade, he could not read the awful lot of printing, and thus decided to put that off until much later. The epic battle between Somewhat Evil and Somewhat Retarded proceeded. As it continued, the giant birds from Lord of the Rings swooped in, scooped up the protesting witch, and dumped her in Mt. Doom as Sauron mourned the loss of his niece.
Easter was saved, and 9News happened to get it all on film. Farmer Bob quickly capitalized on that, earning himself millions in advertising campaigns, a movie version, and a Disney channel animated spin-off. At Easter, the eggs sold like bread off the shelves, so much so that the now filthy rich Bob was able to buy Madagascar itself.

On Facebook, my NYT friends and I are creating a very interesting little story about Easter time. Here it is.

The Chronicles of Easter: The Chickens, the Witch, and the Farmer

The Story So Far

Farmer Bob was counting his pink and green furry chickens. They were all great chickens and he didn’t have any worry that they basically looked like mutants, especially since Easter season was right around the corner and he knew these little money makers were his ticket to his dream vacation to Madagascar. Unfortunately, a rogue meteorite crash landed onto his farm, killing half the chickens and making the eggs an ugly puce color. The surviving chickens layed puce colored eggs in startling numbers causing rumors of unchecked steroid usage by Farmer Bob to make up for the loss of chickens right before Easter. The Easter Bunny died of a haert attck as soon as he saw those hideous eggs.

So Farmer Bob, with the help of enhanced UV lights, hatched the puce colored eggs. These chickens looked like they had come right out of the 70s with their pazly feathers and fuschia beaks. Now their eggs were lovely neons and glowed in the dark. The baby chicks, however, also suffered from short term memory loss, and often forgot where they lived. These chicks ran far and wide around and around in circles then became too dizzy and fell over into walls, down stairs, and into each other. Devastated, the farmer quickly hatched a plan to save Easter. Gathering all the various implements from the barn and his biggest roll of duct tape, Farmer Bob began feverishly building what would become the mothert of all amusement park attractions…the Egg Beater, a spinning wonder of multi-colored, motion sickness-inducing, Easterness. he ride was open and all rejoiced. The Easter Bunny, who was resurrected by Jesus, came to the big hallabaloo, and he rejoiced as well.

Then something was going terribly wrong. Whe skies were dark and the clouds were twirling. Suddenly, the Somewhat Wicked Witch of the Southwest swooped out of the sky. She cackled and then screeched out a warning for all to hear, “I’ll get you, my farmer, and your puce little eggs too.”But the farmer wasn’t going to give up that easily. He threw a giant chia pet at the advancing witch, which she easily dodged and then flug a big, 3-year-old Easter egg at Bob. It exploded and the rancid smell of off-color and outdated easter eggs temporarily drove off the witch until she could come up with another attack. Bob ran and summoned all of the chickens of the world to unite.

The chickens all gathered into a huge field on the farm filled with macaroni noodles and recycled art supplies. Farmer Bob was troubled, for he knew that the combined brain power of all these chicken only qualified them to pass the 1st grade and the witch had made it to third grade – so outwitting her was going to be a challenge. But he was optimistic that the manually operated kiln and the kindergarten sized paint brushes may just be the ticket to saving the holiday and insuring he’d get to Madagascar. But then the kindergarten sized paintbrush had a secret toxic bomb in them and the whole world blew up. Then Lauren Griffith woke up from her strange dream about the world exploding to find Bob in the same predicament as before. Using a secret combination of fertilizer and hazardous materials, Farmer Bob concocted beautiful, though off-color paints perfect for eggs.

After painting the eggs, Bob decided that he needed a distraction and suddenly came up with an idea on what to do with his lifetime supply of Honey Grahams. In the dead of night, when normal witches are usually out cackling (but the Somewhat Wicked Witch of the Southwest chose to watch Cheers reruns instead), Bob created a life-size model of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis, complete with cars, robots, skyscrapers, and litter. When the witch rose from her Lay-z-boi, she discovered the newly constructed city. Assuming the eggs were hidden within it, she began to eat every building and car in sight. After a solid 3 hours of eating graham crackers (complete with windows and car tires) the somewhat wicked witch of the southwest fell on to the floor and rolled in agony. It was then that farmer Bob showed up so that he could sing the song, AGONY from Into the Woods to make his unbarable pain even worse.

The witch then got over the pain and reached for the closest thing she could find – the cat. She hurled the cat with great force at Farmer Bob. Little did she know that he had studied the art of jujitsu with the legendary sentze, KungPou. He dodged the flailing cat just in the nick of time. “Hurl at cat at me will you?” he yelled at the witch, who had grown considerably from eating all the graham crackers. She cackled back, “let’s see what you can do against my sumo-wrestling-techniques.” Just then Farmer Bob remembered the lesson his master had thought him: “Use the force young Bob.”

Whipping out his handy-dandy ‘How to Avoid Painful Situations in Combat’ pocket guide, he studied for a few minutes while the witch flew in slow-motion toward him. Eventually, he found what he needed, the witch resumed normal speed, and dodged the witch. You see, he was related to Neo so the matrix was very easy for him. Yet Bob had forgotten about his serious back injury a while back and got stuck in the matrix position, and the battle continued with bob bent over backwards, scuttling around with a limited viewpoint. At one point, the witch suddenly tripped on his outstretched arms and the hit made Joe’s back feel better. As the witch was on the ground from the fall, Joe quickly turned around and grabbed his official Mickey Mouse Club membership card, which happened to be the witch’s worst fear. Cowering in terror, she cried and pleaded for Farmer Bob to refrain from singing It’s a Small World After All, knowing that if even two notes of that song hit her ears it would mean hat the witch would transform into a useless box of pre-owned paperclips.

Grinning with vicotry, Bob opened his mouth to sing, when suddenly a massive mosquito entered his vocal flaps, which gave the witch enough time to get back up and pull out her fearsome collection of television remotes, that had the magical ability to force Bob to watch “Days of our Lives” for the rest of all enernity. But then the buttons got stuck on the remotes because the witch had accidentally spilled queso dip on them at last night’s intense block party. Desperately attempting to repair her lethal weapon, Bob meanwhile stood and whipped out his Easy Bake Oven and started to bake his Creme Bruele and threw it at the witch. The witch, however, had managed to unstick the Death Button Of Unbelievable Catastrophe Inducing Sadness and Depression on her favorite remote. Just as the witch pushed the Death Button Of Unbelievable Catastrophe Inducing Sadness and Depression, Bob threw his creme brulee at the exact same time, resulting in a cataclysmic explosion sending little creme bruele pellets showering over the farm. The chickens mistook the pellets as snow and began forming them into snowballs – not an easy task when you don’t have hands! The witch was devastated because the Death Button of Unbelievable Catastrophe Inducing Sadness and Despression does not automatically reset after each firing, because you have to wait 15 minutes for it to recalibrate.

She scrambled around searching desperately for her other weapon of doom, but could only find a half eaten bag of Doritos and a box of Disney Princess toothpicks. The chicken’s supply of creme snowballs was growing exponentially, and Bob used his handy-dandy pocket trebuchet to launch them at the weakened witch. The witch then remembered that she brought her backpack with Dora the Explorer’s handy tool kit thing. So the witch was in a separate aside from the real world while Bob and the chickens were in slow motion. The witch sang the annoying song, and decided to use her flame-throwing nunchucks. The witch then came out of the aside and knocked away the dreaded creme-balls. sending farmer Bob running for cover (because really, who wants to be covered with chicken handled creme brulee?) The Somewhat Wicked Witch of the Southwest followed farmer Bob all the while screaching that his Easy Bake oven would not be the end of her.

She was slightly less than thrilled, so she was using her magic powder puff to spread glittery sharpie stains on everything in the immediate area. Laughing, Bob emerged from his In-Case-A-Somewhat-Evil-Witch-Shows-Up Bunker and was carrying a giant chicken leg! The witch was awestruck at this beautiful and very dangerous weapon of Somewhat-Evil-Destruction, so much so that she fell into a deep trance. With the witch enthralled by the gargantuine chicken leg, Bob seized his chance to summon the Sort of Good Witch from the Northeast. He danced a special jig that he learned off of a Lucky Charms commercial which brought the Sort of Good Witch from the Northeast gliding in on her magic sock of stealth. Bob had time to fill in the Sort of Good Witch on the somewhat dastardly deeds her evil sister had been perpetuating all the while holding on to the gargantuine chicken leg.

However, being that the chicken leg was gargantuine and Bob had been fighting over the remote controls and avoiding the Death Button of Unbelievable Catastrophe Inducing Sadness and Despression, his arm was tired and the chicken leg began to slip. This caused the chicken leg to dramatically fall from his hand, cuing John Williams and his orchestra to begin their dramatic theme. As the piece reached its climax, the chicken leg fell with an unpleasant squealsh onto the unlucky Sort of Good Witch from the Northeast. And so ends that small subplot. Meanwhile…

CONTINUED HERE: The Epic Conclusion

Written By : Kyle Steeno, Kimberly Jongejan, Donna Cole, Brandon Lopez, Lauren Griffith, Sydney Hollingsworth, Kai Close, and Lauren Lewakowski